Friendship

I have been feeling so grateful for my friendships. Growing up and into my adult years maintaining friendships has never been something that I excelled in. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I have always let insecurities and laziness disrupt my relationships with some pretty awesome ladies. When I started working full-time I pretty much let any and all friendships go for a while.

The last few months the lord has put in me a desire for community and accountability. He has shown me many areas where I have been selfish in certain friendships and how important it is for me to put in the effort I know I so appreciate being put into me.

Yesterday I had some girl time with some lovely ladies. Amber and I go way back to Nursing School. We've been through so much together and now to see her married, pregnant with sweet baby Stella, and attending the same church and homegroup... is makes me feel OLD extremely extremely blessed. And then to talk with Jess and Jen, new friends who already feel as though I've known them forever. I can't wait to watch our kiddos play and grow together.

In the evening Jandy and Heather came over for dinner. Our hubbys all work together and were off  GOLFING planning our church's marriage retreat. Our kids ran and played and played. These women mean more to me than I can say. They have been my rock. Both of them so sweet and talented in their own way. If I was just a little bit like them as a mom and wife I would be doing pretty good. When you become a mom it is amazing how quickly your focus changes from what you want and need to what is best for your child. Before we were at New Community Eli really didn't have many playmates, especially boys. These sweet little ones are as welcoming and loving as their mamas. Watching them play and love on Eli last night meant the absolute world to me.

This is the only picture that I took of all my play dates. We inflated the air mattress, made some popcorn, and brownies, and turned on Tangled.

AND THEN... today. I was planning on hanging out solo. A couple plans fell through so it was just me and my sweets. Off to Kidsville. (side note: I love this place. Although chaotic and a little expensive, it is totally worth it. The kids can play and mom can sit, talk, drink coffee. They even have free wifi) I was sitting there making sure my child wasn't hurting anybody when a cute brunette and in a lovely fedora caught my eye. We did the awkward "Im going to stare at you for a while and try to figure out if you are who I think you are" and then I realized YES it IS! Miss Lindsey Costa. I have been wanting to meet up with this little lady ever since I was a student nurse in the delivery room with her little Giselle (who is 3 1/2 now). We sat and talked for a bit. She was such a source of encouragement for me. Obviously filled with the spirit. Her husband is also a worship leader which I think makes an immediate bond.

There are so many friends that have been my everything for the last few years. Sticking by my side even when I haven't been a great friend.

Thank you Lord for the sweet blessings in my life, for friends new and old. For friendships that stretch, encourage, and support. Thank you for friends that laugh and cry with me. For new and old friends that have lovingly accepted me for the neurotic whiner that I am. Help me to be a better friend. Help to pour into the lives of those around me.

{its been a long time since I've checked in. Its been a long time since I have even had the desire to open my blog... some day the only energy i have to to blog-stalk}

I tell myself that there is a good chance that I won't bear any more children. I reassure myself that God has a plan for me and my family, that this isn't a cruel joke or a mistake... but that all of this will work for His glory. I even faintly whisper to myself that I just might have a mission and a purpose to love other women who are going through the same thing.

{AND YET}... I can't help but hope that I am wrong. While the voice in my heart whispers deep inside me, "Kristen, this is for My glory, I am sovereign, trust me"  the voice that shouts from my empty womb pulls at every possibility, all in search of hope.

the voice says, {MAYBE}... my mission won't be to model a life with infertility, or to be a messenger of God's faithfulness to the fertile world. {MAYBE}... I'll be called to serve in a different way. {MAYBE}... I'll be that woman cradling an infant while others look and say, "God has been so good to her! Look at how his miracle of grace and mercy have overcome her grief."

{HOW}... do I reconcile the irreconcilable forces of my probable infertility and my never ceasing fertile imagination? And I can't help but wonder  I can't stop wondering if this tug-of-war labels me as untrusting, unaccepting,  unrelenting in my desire to live life according to my plan, and not according to HIS for my life.

 Most days an increasing family It isn't even a thought. {MOST DAYS} I am filled with gratitude for a little boy that sleeps until ten in the morning, for a comfortable financial situation, for a loving and accepting husband. {MOST DAYS} I am in a really good place.

{AND THEN} there are the days where I wake up from a vivid dream of finally getting that positive pregnancy test or picking out baby names, only to wake up emptier than before.

{AND THEN} I remember my journal entry and prayer from earlier this week

"Lord. You know my heart, you know my desires. You have walked beside me in my grief and know that I wish for another child more than anything right now. But if my inability to conceive is what will forever bring me to my knees; the thing that keeps me running to you... if  my INFERTILITY gives you more glory than my FERTILITY than I ask you to not let me conceive."

{AND IT HITS ME} ... Satan is in attack mode. For so long he hasn't bothered with me. He remained dormant in my apathy and self-destruction. What damage could he do that I wasn't already doing to myself? What anxiety and depression could he put on me that I wasn't already allowing myself to be oppressed by? {BUT NOW} I have issued a decree of war by attempting contentment with where God has me. 

{AND SO} I put on my armor. I fight back. 

{EVEN THOUGH} some days are harder than others, some minutes more unbearable than the next. I will remember God's faithfulness in my life. Everything from my sweet job situation, to the AMAZING church we have, the supportive family I have, a husband that says I'm sexy even when I am sitting here wearing his old sweatshirt, ten pounds heavier than our wedding day. And most of all for this little boy that calls me mama.... YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL GOD.

Said baby boy is asking for a "bite" and "car moobie (movie)". Off to snuggle with the sweet blessings in my life.