June 4, 2011

{its been a long time since I've checked in. Its been a long time since I have even had the desire to open my blog... some day the only energy i have to to blog-stalk}

I tell myself that there is a good chance that I won't bear any more children. I reassure myself that God has a plan for me and my family, that this isn't a cruel joke or a mistake... but that all of this will work for His glory. I even faintly whisper to myself that I just might have a mission and a purpose to love other women who are going through the same thing.

{AND YET}... I can't help but hope that I am wrong. While the voice in my heart whispers deep inside me, "Kristen, this is for My glory, I am sovereign, trust me"  the voice that shouts from my empty womb pulls at every possibility, all in search of hope.

the voice says, {MAYBE}... my mission won't be to model a life with infertility, or to be a messenger of God's faithfulness to the fertile world. {MAYBE}... I'll be called to serve in a different way. {MAYBE}... I'll be that woman cradling an infant while others look and say, "God has been so good to her! Look at how his miracle of grace and mercy have overcome her grief."

{HOW}... do I reconcile the irreconcilable forces of my probable infertility and my never ceasing fertile imagination? And I can't help but wonder  I can't stop wondering if this tug-of-war labels me as untrusting, unaccepting,  unrelenting in my desire to live life according to my plan, and not according to HIS for my life.

 Most days an increasing family It isn't even a thought. {MOST DAYS} I am filled with gratitude for a little boy that sleeps until ten in the morning, for a comfortable financial situation, for a loving and accepting husband. {MOST DAYS} I am in a really good place.

{AND THEN} there are the days where I wake up from a vivid dream of finally getting that positive pregnancy test or picking out baby names, only to wake up emptier than before.

{AND THEN} I remember my journal entry and prayer from earlier this week

"Lord. You know my heart, you know my desires. You have walked beside me in my grief and know that I wish for another child more than anything right now. But if my inability to conceive is what will forever bring me to my knees; the thing that keeps me running to you... if  my INFERTILITY gives you more glory than my FERTILITY than I ask you to not let me conceive."

{AND IT HITS ME} ... Satan is in attack mode. For so long he hasn't bothered with me. He remained dormant in my apathy and self-destruction. What damage could he do that I wasn't already doing to myself? What anxiety and depression could he put on me that I wasn't already allowing myself to be oppressed by? {BUT NOW} I have issued a decree of war by attempting contentment with where God has me. 

{AND SO} I put on my armor. I fight back. 

{EVEN THOUGH} some days are harder than others, some minutes more unbearable than the next. I will remember God's faithfulness in my life. Everything from my sweet job situation, to the AMAZING church we have, the supportive family I have, a husband that says I'm sexy even when I am sitting here wearing his old sweatshirt, ten pounds heavier than our wedding day. And most of all for this little boy that calls me mama.... YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL GOD.

Said baby boy is asking for a "bite" and "car moobie (movie)". Off to snuggle with the sweet blessings in my life.


  1. "if my INFERTILITY gives you more glory than my FERTILITY than I ask you to not let me conceive." The bravery and honesty in that statement is unbelievable! Praying protection and mercy over you and your family as you continue to wag war against our enemy - YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!!!!

  2. My friend shared this post with me & I literally felt like I was reading my own life story. My husband & I tried since day one to start our family. 11 years later we had our first baby. He is an amazing little boy. In the past year I've had 2 miscarriages. God has been good through it all...good days & bad days.

    Thank you for your honesty & encouragement.

  3. Wow. Thank you for this. I have been going through the same "what if " thoughts. It's amazing how we can sort through our feelings & emotions and realize God is in control. Keep believing , trusting and trusting and trusting.. We know what we want, but he knows what we need!

  4. Thank you all for taking the time to comment on my blog. It seriously means the world to me. The last few days I have been really struggling with whether or not I should have posted that. I really don't want to be looked at as attention seeking or anything like that. Blogging is such a release for me. I love the community and support that is created. I was kind of in a sad place when I wrote this but with all the feedback I've been getting its nice to know Im not the only one dealing with this and that, in fact, our journey in this crazy world of infertility is so much less involved than others. My heart goes out to you who have been trying years and years. I know it is only through God you have made it through. Thanks so much again!!