An Update of Sorts...

I have had a few people ask me about what is going on with our pursuit of adoption, fertility treatments, etc. My answer usually consists of a lot of "uhhhhhhhsss..." and "hmmmmmms..." with the possibility of a few shoulder shrugs. Not because I am trying to be coy but because that is what happens in my brain every time I think about the topic.

We have been in a really good place lately. A place of peace and contentment. Everyday we are reminded of the gift Eli is to us. How this stage in his life is one I am relishing in. So the decision has been made to wait. [some decision huh?] Wait on adoption. Wait on fertility treatments. A lot of our decision is based on the financial implications both decisions hold. We do realize there are less expensive ways on continuing on either journey. A few friends even suggested taking Clomid [a fertility drug] without being followed by a OB. [it is cheaper this way because you dont pay for office visits and if bought from another country the medicine is super cheap] I was actually about to press "buy" on the website my girlfriend was showing me when I realized that my fricken uterus would probably explode because I was pregnant with a hundred babies if I took the drug this way.  For now we feel like the only thing God has placed in front of us is to be Still. To know that He is God. To cling to Him. To TRUST HIM! Somedays this "calling" is all I need. Other days I'm like really God? Really? But that is what I love about our God- He is steadfast. No matter how up and down my emotions are He is my solid rock.

I have never been good with broken promises. Ask my mom. When I was little she wouldn't even confirm a shopping trip or playdate with me because heaven forbid she had to cancel i would have a tizzy fit  nervous breakdown. Words like "thats not fair" and "im running away" were usually on the tip of my tongue.  I think that there have been times through this process of infertility where I felt like God broke a promise to me.  I felt jipped, sad, angry, and out of control. Honestly I still feel those things sometimes. "thats not fair" and "im running away" can continue to be on my tongue sometimes yet here I am reminded once again of Lamentations 3:22-23



Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness

So Lord, next time I say "that's not fair" please remind me that neither was sending your perfect and blameless Son to die for me: filthy and sinful made clean. Next time I say, "I'm running away" please beckon me back with your steadfast love.

Music is an avenue I have always used to cope with different things in my life: good or bad [blame my rockstar hubby]. Two songs have really stuck out to me lately the lyrics as well as a playlist are below.

Carry Me

Audrey Assad

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

Let the Waters Rise

Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You