An Update of Sorts...

I have had a few people ask me about what is going on with our pursuit of adoption, fertility treatments, etc. My answer usually consists of a lot of "uhhhhhhhsss..." and "hmmmmmms..." with the possibility of a few shoulder shrugs. Not because I am trying to be coy but because that is what happens in my brain every time I think about the topic.

We have been in a really good place lately. A place of peace and contentment. Everyday we are reminded of the gift Eli is to us. How this stage in his life is one I am relishing in. So the decision has been made to wait. [some decision huh?] Wait on adoption. Wait on fertility treatments. A lot of our decision is based on the financial implications both decisions hold. We do realize there are less expensive ways on continuing on either journey. A few friends even suggested taking Clomid [a fertility drug] without being followed by a OB. [it is cheaper this way because you dont pay for office visits and if bought from another country the medicine is super cheap] I was actually about to press "buy" on the website my girlfriend was showing me when I realized that my fricken uterus would probably explode because I was pregnant with a hundred babies if I took the drug this way.  For now we feel like the only thing God has placed in front of us is to be Still. To know that He is God. To cling to Him. To TRUST HIM! Somedays this "calling" is all I need. Other days I'm like really God? Really? But that is what I love about our God- He is steadfast. No matter how up and down my emotions are He is my solid rock.

I have never been good with broken promises. Ask my mom. When I was little she wouldn't even confirm a shopping trip or playdate with me because heaven forbid she had to cancel i would have a tizzy fit  nervous breakdown. Words like "thats not fair" and "im running away" were usually on the tip of my tongue.  I think that there have been times through this process of infertility where I felt like God broke a promise to me.  I felt jipped, sad, angry, and out of control. Honestly I still feel those things sometimes. "thats not fair" and "im running away" can continue to be on my tongue sometimes yet here I am reminded once again of Lamentations 3:22-23



Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness

So Lord, next time I say "that's not fair" please remind me that neither was sending your perfect and blameless Son to die for me: filthy and sinful made clean. Next time I say, "I'm running away" please beckon me back with your steadfast love.

Music is an avenue I have always used to cope with different things in my life: good or bad [blame my rockstar hubby]. Two songs have really stuck out to me lately the lyrics as well as a playlist are below.

Carry Me

Audrey Assad

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

Let the Waters Rise

Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Hubby Thursday V.1

My hubby is my best friend. I wanted to take sometime each week to join this series. This week I will talk about what James and I like to do for fun...

[1] Watch redbox movies with a low-fat dessert and fall asleep on the couch.

[2] eat out.

[3] walk around malls.

[4] sit at barnes and noble reading and drinking coffee.

[5] take naps.

wow. we are super exciting. i know we have gotten a little crazy in our old age... when looking at our list of rousing adventures I reflected a little bit and vowed to myself that we will spice things up and have more adventures like we used to. What I realized though was that, while keeping it on the fly is important, it honestly doesn't matter what we do. We have so much fun together! I know thats cliche and overstated but it is so true. Who needs bungee jumping [or some other crazy adventure] when I could be having a conversation with the most interesting man i know? or be cuddling with the most loving husband a girl could ask for?

I will make some changes to make things a little more exciting... I will try to stay awake through the whole movie.

Friday Funday

One of the MANY things I love about James' job is his schedule. He has every Friday off. Yes, it is as amazing as it sounds. We usually try and do a little something every Friday to get out of the house and spend some family time together. Today we decided to take the train (choo-choo for future reference) to the Oceanside Pier.

what is a family trip without breakfast at Panera for a Breakfast Sandwich. 

Eli is obsessed with cars and choo-choos. It was really fun to watch him get so excited about the whole thing.

When we got to the beach we decided to do something different. We decided to rent one of these bikes. It was so much fun! Eli could have kept riding but he didn't like the helmet.

Nurse mama + little boy not wanting to wear his helmet = End of bike ride

It was such a beautiful day.

That was pretty much the end of our day. There was an extra long nap to be had by all. Now off to dye easter eggs.

Fill-in-the-Blank Friday

1.   My favorite daily responsibility is,  Well the word "responsibility" doesn't exactly get my juices flowing, but I guess I DONT MIND Planning my grocery shopping list and light tidying. Even a little laundry if the mood is right.

2.  My least favorite daily responsibility is,  hmmmmm.... Where to start?? Probably dishes. Although I love the way the kitchen looks with an empty sink. Also I can't stand cleaning the floor. It seems never-ending.

3.  My favorite cuisine to eat when going out is  Again as I said, Sushi. As in teriyaki bowls and shrimp tempura. You know the hard-core stuff.

4.  My favorite cuisine to prepare at home is   Does quick and easy count as a cuisine? hmmm. not great.

5.  Andy Warhol said that everyone is famous for 15 minutes. My claim to fame is   definitely being married to a rock star. Worship leader? Rock star? ;-)

6.  If I could have 3 wishes I would wish  Enough money to never have to worry about bills, the ability to always have the right thing to say (i have found my foot in my mouth way too many times),  and to be fearless.

7.  My biggest pet peeve is  SOCKS! EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SOCKS... I can't go into explanation or i will end up angry and having dry heaves.

{here's the link up: http://thelittlethingswedo.blogspot.com/ }

(this picture is old and has nothing to do with my post but MERCY is he not the cutest thing in the world??)

Hello!
Here is my first "Fill-in-the-Blank" Friday segment. The lovely Liz has been doing this segment for a while so to kick off my first one I just picked a random set she did a while ago. So here we go :-)


1.    I am     feeling thankful and content. Sometimes that can be a rarity for me. An issue that I daily struggle with. I can truly say I am so happy... 

2.   The bravest thing I've ever done was      Start Nursing School and then work as a RN in the ER. I am still scared {hold me}

3.   I feel prettiest when     I have had a good work out and have made an effort to eat healthy. (rarer and rarer these days)

4.   Something that keeps me awake at night is   Sometimes it is trivial things like "what am I going to wear tomorrow" or "I need to make sure I do this or that" other times it is more impactful things like "I hope I am being a good mom and wife" or "How will we afford x,y and z". 

5.   My favorite meal in the entire world is    My husband will be shocked that I am actually saying this and I can hear the "I told you so's now" but Sushi. Not real sushi though. Things like crunchy shrimp rolls and shrimp tempura. You know the lame-man's sushi.

  

6.   The way to my heart is     Lots of money. Just kidding. Although it would not hurt. I would say probably quality time and offering to do the dishes :-)

7.   I would like to     give my baby a sibling, take up running (yea right, just calling myself out now), stick to the budget James and I are implementing (Day 7 and so far so good).



And a shout out to the Lovely Molly who will be doing some additional design work for Heather which is so super exciting because she is so talented. She is the art-eest behind my little corner of internet heaven. You should definitely check her out if you are in the market for a blog overhaul.

our story

first comes love, then comes marriage...

The past four (almost)  years of marriage have truly been the best years of my life. James and I have been through a lot and have had to make some very grown-up decisions at very young ages. It hasn't been an "easy" marriage. Don't get me wrong James is definitely an "easy" person to be married to. I could count on one hand how many times he has raised his voice to me, he is a phenomenal dad, he is caring, loving, passionate, hard-working, God seeking, flipping smart, funny. He has always supported me in every endeavor and always strives to be a better husband. I truly feel like the hardships we have had to get through (some of which was direct consequences of poor decision making) not only brought us closer together but closer to the Almighty. Early on in our marriage we were told to never look at marriage as something that will make us "happy" but as something that will make us "holy". Every big decision we have had to make brings us to a place of examining our views of God. Really seeking His will in our lives.

Then comes baby in a baby carriage...

The day I found out I was pregnant with Eli I was in utter shock. I was in my last semester of Nursing school. We had barely been married a year. We were in a one bedroom apartment. We were so not ready to have a baby, and were taking every precaution to keep it that way. yet, here I was staring at two pink lines. In that moment my life changed forever. My body was no longer my own. My heart was bursting. A baby? Really? I was in awe. The only thing I have ever wanted to accomplish in my life was motherhood. Was it in my timing, No. But it was more than I could ever ask for. Nine months later our beautiful baby boy was born, faux hawk and all. This little boy has given me such a clear picture of God's love for us, His children. These two years with my son have fulfilled me in a way I would have never expected. 

So naturally when Eli was 10 months old and we decided it would be a good time to start trying for baby #2. Since I obviously hadn't learned the whole "my timing doesn't matter" lesson the first time and I was obviously fertile mertile, it was pretty much guranteed that all James was going to have to do was look at me and my uterus would explode (in my mind anyway). So Cycle #1 passed, I was a little disappointed but definitely not concerned. Cycle #6 we started to become concerned. We went to the OB. He said because I was young, already had a baby, and was working nights it was most likely a timing issue and told us to come back when we had been trying for a year. I was encouraged because the likely hood of us having something truly "wrong" was pretty small. So we just went back at it (pun intended) (bow chicky bow wow) still each month getting a negative with each pregnancy test. I dont think I have ever felt such a roller coaster of emotions before. Here is an example.

Period starts- super bummed but resolved that this wont be the month. Promise myself that I wont touch another diet coke, I'll take my prenatals religiously, workout everyday, have sex ten times a day, all in hopes of increasing my chances for the next month

Days 4-10- Dont think about it too much. Daydream about the day when I do see "positive". Drink diet coke. feel guilty. 

Days 11-14 (pre-ovulation)- Get myself ready. take prenatals. stop drink my liquid cancer (aka diet coke). take ovulation tests. get my mixed tapes ready for when I get the :-) on my ovulation test (just kidding, obviously i use my itunes playlist).

Day 15ish (ovulation)- Stoked. James is stoked as well.

Day 16-22 (post-ovulation)- Bliss, pure bliss. Every twinge in my belly feels like a baby implanting in my womb. ooh my boobs hurt! I MUST be pregnant. ooh im moody! I MUST be pregnant. Then I inevitably do something dumb that I think will ruin every chance I have of having another baby. i.e.: fight with james, bribe eli with chocolate to get him to take a nap, continue to drink diet coke (can i get an amen). Because obviously I dont deserve to have another baby. Insert guilt, doubt, and worry here.

Day 22.5-should i test? is it too early? Take a test. NEGATIVE. examine test for thirty minutes. throw test away. cry. convince myself it was too early. get test out of trash and see if a line has appeared. Nope.

Day 23-24- try to think about anything else. ANYTHING ELSE. continue to interpret every symptom I feel at that time. inevitably somebody I know or am close to announces they are pregnant. cry. get over myself and be happy for them. claim any and all future baby names to said friends. make it known there will be bloodshed in the event they decide to use it. 

Day 25- Test again. Negative. Cry. Eat lots of crap. Convince myself its still too early.

Day 26- Test again. Negative. Cry. Eat lots of crap. Convince myself its still too early.

Day 27- Test again. Negative. Cry. Eat lots of crap. Convince myself im one in a million that gets a negative pregnancy test but is definitely pregnant. Read every "mommy message board" in some hopes they will tell me to hold out hope.

Day 28- Period starts. Start process all over again. Drink lots and lots of diet coke. 

I have officially gone through that insanity for 15 cycles. Crap. 

It has been one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever gone through. I have put off blogging about this for so long for several reasons. Obviously it is very personal and brings with it very personal emotions for me. Feeling of uncertainty, failure, doubt, self-hatred. Also, I realize how lucky I am to have Eli. I would be lost without my frizzy haired chublet and in no way feel like he is not enough for us. I would honestly be so OK if he was an only child. One of the reasons I decided to share this is because I so believe God is using this to build my testimony. The reliance I have had to have on Him through all of this is deeper than anytime in my life. I also believe in the support of friends- to talk, to pray, to love, to share. There is such healing in writing as well. 

{I know this is such a long post. bear with me. I promise I have a big reason I am writing all of this}   

Over these months I have felt the Lord shaping my heart and changing my desires. James and I have always thrown around the idea of adoption since before we were married. Always very casually, never with any real plans. We have been to several countries around the world where we have seen first hand the devastation this world has. Specifically we had the absolute privilege of working with children in an orphanage in Swaziland, Africa. These beautiful children with so much love in them with no one to share it with. No one to love them back. 

{side note: one story James reminded me of was when we were leaving our two week trip. I had connected very much with several of the orphans but in particular this one little girl, Layla. When she was a baby her grandmother poured brake fluid on her which burned her severely. She had horrible facial burn scars and was unable to grow hair. which, as you can imagine can be devastating for a little girl. When we were leaving I gave her a big kiss and told her she was beautiful. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "Ms. Kristen are coming back?' "Hopefully, but I don't know when" "Then I will see you in heaven!" I lost it. This beautiful little girl had such a deep understanding of God. I turned and left. A couple weeks later I got word that she had died from a heart defect. I was so sad but was so thankful that one day I WILL see her in heaven}

In the midst of trying to get pregnant and wondering when it will happen and why it hasn't, I have started to think that maybe it is because we, as a family are being called to expand in a different, unexpected way. 

WOW! I said it. there. WE ARE CONSIDERING INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION. I have felt like I was going to explode from holding that in the last few months and has actually been one of the major reasons I haven't been blogging lately. 

I think for me personally, it has been hard to get in the groove of posting pictures and updating things about our life when we are wrestling with such huge life/family changes.

I would say that one of the major reasons I chose to write about the idea of adoption at all is because the blogging community can be a huge source of support. If you, or anyone you know has adopted I urge you to PLEASE contact me. There is so much that we are still so unsure of and any and all advice is welcomed at this point.

Here are a few things we DONT know:

1.) If we choose to adopt, we have not decided which agency we will be going through. We have narrowed it down to two so far. 

2.) What country we will adopt from. Our hearts are definitely being lead towards Africa, specifically Ethiopia. There are cultural considerations we would need to take into account and research before we decide for sure. 

3.) if we will have more children of our own. This is such a hard one. I can tell you what I would want in a perfect world: to get pregnant at least once more and adopt. But unfortunately what I want and what is  feasible are definitely two different things. Most likely we will adopt a child and be a happy, complete family of four. if years in the future we decide our family should expand we will reopen the idea. As of now we have stopped "trying" for children in the "natural" sense which is one of the hardest decisions i have made in a long time. We do not want to have the emotional highs and lows that come with each "negative" month while we pray about adopting.

4.) How we will afford it. yes that is right folks. Contrary to popular belief pastors are not rich ;-) (hardy har har) We absolutely have some ideas up our sleeve (grants, fundraising night) but mostly it will be hard work, extra shifts, and a lot of faith. (and possibly less trips to forever 21) (holla) On average an international adoption costs just shy of $20,000. WOWZA... The application fee alone is $200-300. The biggest thing we have learned this past year is THE LORD PROVIDES. We have no doubt He will be faithful to complete this which He has called us to.

Here are a few things we DO know:

1.) God has a heart for the fatherless. 

 {Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and

 faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their

 distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world}

James 1:27  

2.) We will need your love, prayer, and support. The biggest thing I could ask is to please be in prayer for the Doezie family whatever we decide. If we decide not to adopt there are very important decisions that need to be made about fertility testing (which our insurance does not currently cover and may involve me going back to work full/part time). Specific prayer requests would include absolute clarity in this decision, to TRULY hear the voice of God with authority & Also for the understanding of family and friends.  I mentioned it before but if you know anyone who has adopted PLEASE send them our way. No matter their experience, good or bad, we want to hear it. We want to be informed and balanced when making this decision. 

3.) it is going to be a very long process. On average an Ethiopian adoption takes 18 months from start to finish. We have made a goal not to even apply until our credit card debt is completely paid off, which will take a couple of months. This enables us to not make a hasty decision, choose an agency wisely, and look better to them on paper. There will be times of extreme happiness and absolute discouragement. We are praying for strength and patience for this process now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. It has taken me two days to finish it. We are overwhelmed and blessed that God has set this journey before us. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love. We will keep you updated on our decisions along the way. 

God bless.

xoxoThe Doezies

blah

good golly


It has been a very very long time since I have posted anything.

blame it on:
laziness
lack of inspiration
monotony
my (almost) 2 year old
feeling overwhelmed to post everything I have missed over the month
busyness
lack of sleep
not knowing where to start
afraid of where it will end


There has been so much going on in my mind that I have wanted to pour out and put in the blogosphere and the time will come, but for now I am off to get myself a
Costco membership,
so pretty much my life is complete