{its been a long time since I've checked in. Its been a long time since I have even had the desire to open my blog... some day the only energy i have to to blog-stalk}

I tell myself that there is a good chance that I won't bear any more children. I reassure myself that God has a plan for me and my family, that this isn't a cruel joke or a mistake... but that all of this will work for His glory. I even faintly whisper to myself that I just might have a mission and a purpose to love other women who are going through the same thing.

{AND YET}... I can't help but hope that I am wrong. While the voice in my heart whispers deep inside me, "Kristen, this is for My glory, I am sovereign, trust me"  the voice that shouts from my empty womb pulls at every possibility, all in search of hope.

the voice says, {MAYBE}... my mission won't be to model a life with infertility, or to be a messenger of God's faithfulness to the fertile world. {MAYBE}... I'll be called to serve in a different way. {MAYBE}... I'll be that woman cradling an infant while others look and say, "God has been so good to her! Look at how his miracle of grace and mercy have overcome her grief."

{HOW}... do I reconcile the irreconcilable forces of my probable infertility and my never ceasing fertile imagination? And I can't help but wonder  I can't stop wondering if this tug-of-war labels me as untrusting, unaccepting,  unrelenting in my desire to live life according to my plan, and not according to HIS for my life.

 Most days an increasing family It isn't even a thought. {MOST DAYS} I am filled with gratitude for a little boy that sleeps until ten in the morning, for a comfortable financial situation, for a loving and accepting husband. {MOST DAYS} I am in a really good place.

{AND THEN} there are the days where I wake up from a vivid dream of finally getting that positive pregnancy test or picking out baby names, only to wake up emptier than before.

{AND THEN} I remember my journal entry and prayer from earlier this week

"Lord. You know my heart, you know my desires. You have walked beside me in my grief and know that I wish for another child more than anything right now. But if my inability to conceive is what will forever bring me to my knees; the thing that keeps me running to you... if  my INFERTILITY gives you more glory than my FERTILITY than I ask you to not let me conceive."

{AND IT HITS ME} ... Satan is in attack mode. For so long he hasn't bothered with me. He remained dormant in my apathy and self-destruction. What damage could he do that I wasn't already doing to myself? What anxiety and depression could he put on me that I wasn't already allowing myself to be oppressed by? {BUT NOW} I have issued a decree of war by attempting contentment with where God has me. 

{AND SO} I put on my armor. I fight back. 

{EVEN THOUGH} some days are harder than others, some minutes more unbearable than the next. I will remember God's faithfulness in my life. Everything from my sweet job situation, to the AMAZING church we have, the supportive family I have, a husband that says I'm sexy even when I am sitting here wearing his old sweatshirt, ten pounds heavier than our wedding day. And most of all for this little boy that calls me mama.... YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL GOD.

Said baby boy is asking for a "bite" and "car moobie (movie)". Off to snuggle with the sweet blessings in my life.

Fill-in-the-blank Friday

[1] fridays are meant for sleeping in, going to the park, picnics, eating out, naps, game nights with friends, movies, date night, and staying up late. {i love that james has fridays off}


[2] baby buns, skinny vanilla lattes, catching up on my shows, shopping, and decorating make me terribly happy.

[3] something that inspires me: on a design level pinterest and way too many blogs to count. on a "life" level any message by John Piper, good solid fellowship.


[4] if i had the day off today i would: (we do have the off but lets pretend we don't) (if i was kidless for the day) I would sleep in, take two classes at the gym, get my eyebrows waxed [keeping it real people], take a shower and get dolled up, go to ikea, and then go to sushi and the movies with my love. mmmm perfect


[5] If I had to put a label on my design style it would be: oh man this is really hard. probably "vintage, ecclectic, glam" are those not those most opposite styles ever? ha. It is hard for me to lock down a style for myself because I love so many different ones. 


[6] Concerning politics, I would say I am AHHHHHH! Ok I am not sure where on the political spectrum i am. I know what I feel about certain issues but definitely don't feel a need to identify myself on either side. I know that God is sovereign and no matter who is in office or what laws are or aren't passed I know that He holds us all in His hand. Thats all I need to know :-)


[7] i'd like to go on a cruise to the bahamas so I could relax and go somewhere I've aways dreamed of

{Here is the link up}

An Update of Sorts...

I have had a few people ask me about what is going on with our pursuit of adoption, fertility treatments, etc. My answer usually consists of a lot of "uhhhhhhhsss..." and "hmmmmmms..." with the possibility of a few shoulder shrugs. Not because I am trying to be coy but because that is what happens in my brain every time I think about the topic.

We have been in a really good place lately. A place of peace and contentment. Everyday we are reminded of the gift Eli is to us. How this stage in his life is one I am relishing in. So the decision has been made to wait. [some decision huh?] Wait on adoption. Wait on fertility treatments. A lot of our decision is based on the financial implications both decisions hold. We do realize there are less expensive ways on continuing on either journey. A few friends even suggested taking Clomid [a fertility drug] without being followed by a OB. [it is cheaper this way because you dont pay for office visits and if bought from another country the medicine is super cheap] I was actually about to press "buy" on the website my girlfriend was showing me when I realized that my fricken uterus would probably explode because I was pregnant with a hundred babies if I took the drug this way.  For now we feel like the only thing God has placed in front of us is to be Still. To know that He is God. To cling to Him. To TRUST HIM! Somedays this "calling" is all I need. Other days I'm like really God? Really? But that is what I love about our God- He is steadfast. No matter how up and down my emotions are He is my solid rock.

I have never been good with broken promises. Ask my mom. When I was little she wouldn't even confirm a shopping trip or playdate with me because heaven forbid she had to cancel i would have a tizzy fit  nervous breakdown. Words like "thats not fair" and "im running away" were usually on the tip of my tongue.  I think that there have been times through this process of infertility where I felt like God broke a promise to me.  I felt jipped, sad, angry, and out of control. Honestly I still feel those things sometimes. "thats not fair" and "im running away" can continue to be on my tongue sometimes yet here I am reminded once again of Lamentations 3:22-23



Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness

So Lord, next time I say "that's not fair" please remind me that neither was sending your perfect and blameless Son to die for me: filthy and sinful made clean. Next time I say, "I'm running away" please beckon me back with your steadfast love.

Music is an avenue I have always used to cope with different things in my life: good or bad [blame my rockstar hubby]. Two songs have really stuck out to me lately the lyrics as well as a playlist are below.

Carry Me

Audrey Assad

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

Let the Waters Rise

Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Hubby Thursday V.1

My hubby is my best friend. I wanted to take sometime each week to join this series. This week I will talk about what James and I like to do for fun...

[1] Watch redbox movies with a low-fat dessert and fall asleep on the couch.

[2] eat out.

[3] walk around malls.

[4] sit at barnes and noble reading and drinking coffee.

[5] take naps.

wow. we are super exciting. i know we have gotten a little crazy in our old age... when looking at our list of rousing adventures I reflected a little bit and vowed to myself that we will spice things up and have more adventures like we used to. What I realized though was that, while keeping it on the fly is important, it honestly doesn't matter what we do. We have so much fun together! I know thats cliche and overstated but it is so true. Who needs bungee jumping [or some other crazy adventure] when I could be having a conversation with the most interesting man i know? or be cuddling with the most loving husband a girl could ask for?

I will make some changes to make things a little more exciting... I will try to stay awake through the whole movie.

Friday Funday

One of the MANY things I love about James' job is his schedule. He has every Friday off. Yes, it is as amazing as it sounds. We usually try and do a little something every Friday to get out of the house and spend some family time together. Today we decided to take the train (choo-choo for future reference) to the Oceanside Pier.

what is a family trip without breakfast at Panera for a Breakfast Sandwich. 

Eli is obsessed with cars and choo-choos. It was really fun to watch him get so excited about the whole thing.

When we got to the beach we decided to do something different. We decided to rent one of these bikes. It was so much fun! Eli could have kept riding but he didn't like the helmet.

Nurse mama + little boy not wanting to wear his helmet = End of bike ride

It was such a beautiful day.

That was pretty much the end of our day. There was an extra long nap to be had by all. Now off to dye easter eggs.

Fill-in-the-Blank Friday

1.   My favorite daily responsibility is,  Well the word "responsibility" doesn't exactly get my juices flowing, but I guess I DONT MIND Planning my grocery shopping list and light tidying. Even a little laundry if the mood is right.

2.  My least favorite daily responsibility is,  hmmmmm.... Where to start?? Probably dishes. Although I love the way the kitchen looks with an empty sink. Also I can't stand cleaning the floor. It seems never-ending.

3.  My favorite cuisine to eat when going out is  Again as I said, Sushi. As in teriyaki bowls and shrimp tempura. You know the hard-core stuff.

4.  My favorite cuisine to prepare at home is   Does quick and easy count as a cuisine? hmmm. not great.

5.  Andy Warhol said that everyone is famous for 15 minutes. My claim to fame is   definitely being married to a rock star. Worship leader? Rock star? ;-)

6.  If I could have 3 wishes I would wish  Enough money to never have to worry about bills, the ability to always have the right thing to say (i have found my foot in my mouth way too many times),  and to be fearless.

7.  My biggest pet peeve is  SOCKS! EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SOCKS... I can't go into explanation or i will end up angry and having dry heaves.

{here's the link up: http://thelittlethingswedo.blogspot.com/ }

(this picture is old and has nothing to do with my post but MERCY is he not the cutest thing in the world??)

Hello!
Here is my first "Fill-in-the-Blank" Friday segment. The lovely Liz has been doing this segment for a while so to kick off my first one I just picked a random set she did a while ago. So here we go :-)


1.    I am     feeling thankful and content. Sometimes that can be a rarity for me. An issue that I daily struggle with. I can truly say I am so happy... 

2.   The bravest thing I've ever done was      Start Nursing School and then work as a RN in the ER. I am still scared {hold me}

3.   I feel prettiest when     I have had a good work out and have made an effort to eat healthy. (rarer and rarer these days)

4.   Something that keeps me awake at night is   Sometimes it is trivial things like "what am I going to wear tomorrow" or "I need to make sure I do this or that" other times it is more impactful things like "I hope I am being a good mom and wife" or "How will we afford x,y and z". 

5.   My favorite meal in the entire world is    My husband will be shocked that I am actually saying this and I can hear the "I told you so's now" but Sushi. Not real sushi though. Things like crunchy shrimp rolls and shrimp tempura. You know the lame-man's sushi.

  

6.   The way to my heart is     Lots of money. Just kidding. Although it would not hurt. I would say probably quality time and offering to do the dishes :-)

7.   I would like to     give my baby a sibling, take up running (yea right, just calling myself out now), stick to the budget James and I are implementing (Day 7 and so far so good).



And a shout out to the Lovely Molly who will be doing some additional design work for Heather which is so super exciting because she is so talented. She is the art-eest behind my little corner of internet heaven. You should definitely check her out if you are in the market for a blog overhaul.